Watching and waiting
by Sairs
Summary: Xander is watching and waiting.  Warning character death.


Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and the WB, I've just borrowed them for a little adventure, then I promise to return them back to the Hellmouth that is Sunnydale.

Summary: Xander reflects on the past and future.

Originally written: December 2000

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><p>The moonlight shone through the window, its pale light dancing over her, bathing her skin with its gentle touch. Her auburn hair glowed gently, framing her face, accentuating her beauty. My heart pounded as I watched her; unable to push the feelings of love I'd hidden not only from her, but also myself.<p>

I moved to sit beside her, my hand gently grasping hers, marvelling at the warmth and softness of her skin. A tear escaped from my eye, rolling slowly down my cheek. I silently wished that her eyes would open, revealing her emerald green eyes that have filled my life with joy for the past twenty years. But I know that it's a frivolous dream. The Doctors told me that it would only be a matter of time, before she leaves me forever.

I've sat here waiting, waiting for her to leave me. To leave me alone, in a world that I've grown to hate, as I've watched it take everyone I've ever cared about from me, first Jesse, then Kendra, Anya and Buffy, and now Willow.

I closed my eyes, images of her danced through my mind. The images bring back memories of our friendship that I've cherished my whole life, our first day at school, our first dance, her first Christmas. So much of my life has been spent with her, imagining a life without her is so hard. Although my biggest regret, my biggest regret is not telling her how much I love her.

I told her once, but that was so long ago, but even then, I wasn't really sure it was love. I knew I loved her as a friend, I always have. But it wasn't until the moment I saw her laying in this hospital bed that it hit me. Hit me like a thunderbolt. I realised just how much I truly loved her, how she moulded my life, shaped me, helped me to become the man I am today. How much my life depends on her. Even though we've had our hard times, where our friendship nearly disappeared, we've never let our connection be completely severed. Deep down inside we've always had a connection that we've developed over time. Something that I've never been able to build with anyone else, not even Anya.

Whenever I think of her, she's always smiling. Her smile has lighted my life, made me realise that there can be happiness in a world that for me has always been filled with pain. I wish that I could see her smile once more, once more before she leaves me forever.

I run my fingers through her hair, cherishing its softness and committing it to memory, to file with all of the other memories that will stay deep in my heart forever.

Her breathing becomes shallower. I know she won't be with me for much longer. I know that I have to tell her now, or live the rest of my life filled with regret. I inhale deeply, preparing to share with her what I've kept hidden from myself for far too long. I lean forward, grazing my lips over her forehead, before sharing the words that will open my heart to her, just once.

"I love you, Willow." The words slip from my lips, breaking the silence and stillness of the room.

I wait, holding her hand, watching as she takes her final breaths. My heart slowly breaks as I watch her fade, a look of peace crossing her face as she takes her last breath. As she expels her last breath, her eyes briefly open, revealing one last time the beauty and secrets they've held during her life. As I look into her eyes, it's as if she wanted to look into my eyes one last time, just as I so desperately wanted to look into hers once more.

"Goodbye." I utter as tears flow freely from my eyes, my heart and soul crying out with the realisation of how much I've lost, lost at the hands of evil.

The silence in the room is deafening. I'm alone. More alone than I've ever been before. This is the start, the start of my future without her.

I gently close her eyes with my hand. Before I leave I kissed her forehead one last time. I stand up, looking at the body that once contained my best friend, my one true love. I turn slowly, walking behind on my past, walking towards my future. A future filled with uncertainty, a future without Willow. It's going to be hard to keep walking into the future, but I know it's what she would have wanted.

As I reach the doorway, I turn once more, glancing towards my friend. She looks as if she's fast asleep, but I know that she'll never wake up. "Goodbye, Will." I turn and leave my past behind, stepping out into the uncertainty of the future, hoping that one day I'll have the chance to meet her again.

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><p>The End<p> 


End file.
